It takes a lot to shock Iris Krasnow. But when she set out to write her new book, Sex After…: Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes, one thing caught her a little off-guard: “The sparkle, the youthfulness, the sexiness, and the hopefulness in the voices of senior women in their 70s and 80s,” says Krasnow. “It was just so surprising and hopeful.”
So what can you look forward to when it comes to sex later in life? Krasnow heard it all: a 77-year-old widow who was inspired to give her new man friend oral sex after watching a YouTube instructional video; a 73-year-old woman who liked passion fruit-flavored lube; a 72-year-old woman who swears she’s having the best sex of her life.
“It just shatters the myth of this little old fragile lady,” says Krasnow. “And to top it off, frankly, I thought many of the older women were more comfortable, satisfied, and sexy than the younger people I talked to.” Plus, many of them reported a certain freedom and wild abandon that they had never experienced before. “After writing this book, I’m kind of looking forward to old age,” says Krasnow. Read on for three of the most powerful lessons she took away from her research:
Be Adventurous
When speaking with renowned sex expert Ruth Westheimer, Ed.D., Krasnow learned that most of the inquiries on Westheimer’s YouTube channel actually come from older women. They’re curious about vibrators, masturbation, oral sex—everything. One woman in her seventies told Krasnow that she and her second husband experiment with “inventive sex toys” and tantric sex. The takeaway: Have fun with your sexuality, be curious, and never be afraid to try new things.
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Turn on Your Mind
One of the most common themes Krasnow heard again and again was that there had to be a mental and emotional connection in order for it to be a truly satisfying experience. “Sex is never just sex,” says Krasnow. “Remember that it’s more about attitude than anything else. The real depth of sexual, intimate connectedness is about what’s going on in your mind.” Krasnow suggests finding a partner that stimulates you mentally as much as they do physically—and don’t forget to add some pillow talk into foreplay every once in a while.
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Forget About Perfect Sex
Your romps may not be straight out of a rom-com, but that doesn’t mean your sex life isn’t up to par. “There is no perfect sex,” says Krasnow. And here’s the thing: The older women in Krasnow’s book reported experiencing electrifying sex and intimacy—even in the midst of health problems, reduced flexibility, a few extra pounds, or a partner’s erectile dysfunction. It didn’t matter. They were getting off, and they were enjoying it. So ditch the notion that everything has to go flawlessly in bed every time. Your sex life will thank you for it.
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